Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

I don’t post anymore because I am lazy. I do keep my journal so that helps a lot. I haven’t shared my news with anyone because I have found out whenever I share good news, it ends ups not happening.

Apparently, I have absolute zero views lol so I’ll share my possible ch-ch-ch-ch-changes for this new year with the internetssss.

I applied for a job in a city 10 hours away from my hometown and I have an interview coming up. Hopefully, I don’t embarrass myself as I usually tend to. I am of course preparing for it because I am truly interested in this job.

I have never lived away from my family but I think it’s time for me to make changes in my life. I feel my life is just “bleh” and I need some changes.

I am aware it won’t be easy but I am ready.
I really want this.
I really need this.

I am being positive because positive minds, positive vibes equals positive life. I heard someone say this and I thought it was pretty damn inspirational.

If anyone out there ends up reading this, send positive vibes my way!

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Job Interviews…

I am taking time off my current job to do some job hunting.

I have time for interviews, writing letters of intent and updating my resume. Some applications take a lot longer than others so doing this at home instead of while having lunch, is quite convenient. Also, I needed a vacation.
I needed a small break from that small sometimes chaotic office.

So far I’ve had two job interviews. One was horrible and the other one was okay. Not the worst but I need improvement.
Question is, how can a woman ridden with anxiety who is socially awkward improve?
What shall one do?

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An answer I will try to discover. It will be painful but I have hope. I know someone out there will see themselves in me and give me a chance.

Okay moving on with the job interviews.
I will share a small smaaaall incident and feel free to imagine the mess I actually am.

It was the end of the interview. I wanted to know more information about the employer and the job I applied for. Naturally, I prepared my questions.

It was my time to shine.
It was my time to wow them.
It was my time to be the star of the show.
To be the Beyonce of fucken job interviews.

always
Alas, I was not the Beyonce of anything.
I was not shining and of course, I did not wow them.

My brilliant mind came up with:
“Do you have time for questions? HAAA!! I guess that was my first question AHAHAHA!!” But wait, there’s more, I slapped my knee  and laughed.
nother

I did not mean to say it out loud! It was a dumb joke, but it escaped my chapped, dry lips and committed the worst crime—->being heard by others. I STILL feel  embarrassed.
I bring shame to my family.
I bring shame to all the Anastasias of the world.

I don’t know what came over me. My nervousness took over my brain and body.
I didn’t even recognize myself.
Some people have even told me I carry myself well!!
Maybe I should call them up to let them know they lied right to my face…

To all of my fellow job hunters:
I am sending you good vibes wherever you may be.
I believe in you!
May you find solace in my mistakes.
and
“May the odds be ever in your favor.” 

Hmm I don’t Know..

I am baaaaaaack!

Not that anyone cares or has been asking , but just in case you were wondering.

I am here, I am present, I am in the now.

Although I am doing better, I still have a long way to go. I’ve been working (I am looking for another job though) and going on a few dates. So, let me tell you what happened on one of these dates.

Now, I don’t date a lot because well I don’t get asked out a lot. Before anyone says anything, I have done the aking shhh.
Anyways, a man I’ve known for quite some time asked me out for coffee and I said yes because I knew him. I thought he was funny and was never disrespectful towards me. Also, I love coffee.

We met at the coffee shop and we were chatting. It was a nice, “chill” conversation and we left because the shop was about to close which I believed to be a good sign. He then walked me to my car and when we were saying our good-byes, he sort of grabbed my hand and tried to swap saliva with yours truly.

HOWEVER, I am a person who needs time to feel comfortable with human touch (I sound strange, but it’s true) and this includes kissing. I quickly turned my face and he ended giving me very very wet kiss on the cheek. I am not going to lie it was not the nicest feeling in the world, it was just a big NO.

notouch

I explained to him that it was not him, because it was not, and that I needed some time to feel comfortable. If he did not want to pursue anything more then I understood because well it has happened before so eeehh no big deal. He said he totally understood and would not try it again, so we made plans to go out.

We went on our second date, he picked me up and everything went fine until he dropped me off. We got out the car, and we hugged good-bye but then he tried to kiss me. I pushed him away and said something along the lines of “what are you doing!”

And you know what he did?

He pushed me against his car and kissed me while grabbing one of my breasts. Everything happened so fast that I have no idea how  it got to that point and how I was able to push him off me. And you want to know what he did next?

HE LAUGHED. That’s right, he laughed. I felt afraid, powerless and like such a damn idiot.

I ran to my door, opened it and when I closed it I was shaking. I was so fucking scared.

I know worse things have happened to other women and men. This was the first time something of this magnitude happened to me. I am not going to sit here and say it was the first time some jerk grabbed me without my consent because it hasn’t. I have attended concerts and my butt was grabbed which again, it was not and will never be okay.

The difference here is I told this man that I was not comfortable with touching let alone kissing because that is how I am. He said he understood. He said he wouldn’t try it again but HE DID and HE LAUGHED AT MY FACE.

I haven’t shared this incident with anyone. I have shared the concert incidents, the cat calls and other unwanted advances made by men but not this one. I suppose I still feel like an idiot since I believed this guy to be a “nice guy” but I was completely wrong. Some people are better at hiding how shitty they truly are.

morning-coffee-2011 - Copy

 

 

I Am a Fool!

It has been a few months since I last posted.

I began a new job, which can be very rewarding but it is stressful and it requires speed yet I am a bit on the slow side but I am still just getting the hang of it. Regardless, it makes me feel and look like a complete idiot. I will keep trying but it is starting to get to me. There are times when I simply want to cry and give up. There is still a chance for me to get fired so I need to make some progress ASAP. Contradictory? Sure, but I need to improve and not panic.

Also, a few months ago I met someone. We got along so well, but lost touch for maybe two months. Well, I decided to text him and see how he was doing and he completely ignored me. I was disappointed. I believed felt some sort of  connection, but apparently I was wrong. Funny thing is, we haven’t crossed paths when it’s a small town. If  we ever do, and he decides I am suddenly worthy of his salutations I will be nice to him because of a little  something called courtesy.

A little piece of advice for everyone: if you receive a text or e-mail from someone anyone just reply!! R-E-P-L-Y!

Until next time!

Dark Days…

I haven’t posted anything here and I don’t know where to begin.

My days have been better, yet they have also been worse. I know others have it a million times worse and then I feel like an ass for feeling sorry for myself when others have it much worse, and are trying to make the best of their situation. Sometimes, all the time actually, I ramble and drive myself crazy.

Now that I have gotten that out of the way, I’ll go back to the reason behind this post today.

A lot of people have told me I come across as a very positive, happy, calm, funny and “chill” individual. I am glad people see me this way, but what they do not know is, I have tried very hard to keep and portray this image.

What nobody knows is, waking up every morning has become one of the hardest things lately. Being around people completely drains me and I have days when I cannot order my food or pay when making purchases because I feel so anxious. I suddenly feel nervous, sweaty and as if the walls are enclosing all around me and can’t breathe.

I have tried explaining this to my family and friends, but I don’t think they understand. They don’t understand I am in a hole trying to climb my way out and instead of making progress, it feels as if I am digging myself deeper in this horrendous hole.

I was prescribed medication, by a professional of course, for my depression and anxiety but I chose not to take it. I spoke with Dr. X about this and he said it was my choice. I don’t regret my decision.

I want to be confident again and not this coward  I have become. I want to believe in myself and accomplish all my goals. Will I fulfill those goals? I really don’t know. I sure hope so, but it will be heck of a battle.

All I want is to be genuinely happy again because this whole “fake it until you make it” bullshit is not working out for me.

Butterflies Came Back…

Those sons of bitches came back to screw me over!

That was a very warm opening line, but I shall proceed.

I met someone. I liked him, it seemed as if he liked me. He asked me out on a date, I think, and I said no. Why? I had no idea what had happened until I got home and punched myself square on the face.

punch

It all happened so fast! We work in the same building, different company, and we got along just fine. I honestly felt extremely comfortable talking with him and just being around him. When this happened, I thought he was playing because we would often joke around. Once I realized my stupidity, I was determined to go back to the topic the next day. As expected, it DID NOT work.

Our friendly relationship did not change, and everything continued as always. One day he gave me his number and said, “text me.” And all I could say was, “thanks.” The level of awkwardness was off the charts, sadly for me.

akw

I did not text him about a week later when he gave me a hand with loading a couple of boxes. It was the end of the day he was in a hurry and I was in a hurry, so I thought, “Hmmm perfect chance to text this handsome man.” I did. I thanked him. He replied with a “Don’t mention it. Sorry I couldn’t stay and talk, I was in a hurry. See you later.” I felt it was not the warmest text, but all I could say was .”No problem, I understand same here. See you later.” That was the end of our conversation. He has not texted me, called me or even sent a messaging pigeon.

I understand he is busy and I am too. The thing that  disappoints me(?)confuses me(?) is he told me it was quite strange to have met a woman with (some of ) the same hobbies, likes, dislikes and even had the same view on religion. I thought the same thing. I did not voice my thoughts since I believed it might scare him. I am feeling sad because  I thought  I had found someone I connected with. It had been such a long time I felt that way about a man. We had our conversations for three months and honestly, I began to feel all giddy and nervous yet comfortable whenever we had our conversations. I felt like such a high school girl all over again.

scott

I want to text him, but a part of me says no. He did not even ask me for my number, but then again I sort of turned him down. I don’t  him to feel obligated to reply when in reality he is just not that into me. Shiiiiit I just referred/mentioned that book, and it feels very cliched!

My point is, I thought there was something with this man. I thought we connected and actually enjoyed each others company, but I guess I was completely mistaken. From my perspective, he did seem interested in pursuing more than a friendships but apparently I was freakin’ mistaken!

It is A-ok though. My life did not stop and won’t stop because he did not text or call me. I know there is a man for me who will actually text no matter how busy he is!! My ex-boyfriend was crazy busy and he always found some time to text and/or call me. Conclusion: it is possible for a man to text/call you even on his busiest days.

great

After reading this, I feel I just threw my self-respect out the window. BUT I know it happens to a lot of women and men alike and we should not be ashamed to admit it. Whatever happens, happens. Whatever doesn’t happen then it doesn’t happen.
Did that make sense? I don’t know but at the end of the day, I am still happy. My happiness depends on myself not other people.

See you later!
(see what I did there?)

see

 

Something…

stupidy

I am pretty darn stupid, according to other people (and at times myself). I was lucky enough to be employed right after finishing university. It was what people consider as a “good job”. It was an 8 to 5 job, own office, benefits the whole works. The best part was it involved doing something positive for others.

Regardless of all these perks, it was not for me. I am 100 % it does not make sense to other people, but then again, I realized that I shouldn’t give to shits about the opinion of others. Any-who, I was not truly committed. The passion was not there and it somehow felt wrong. If I have learned something throughout my mess of a life, is to trust myself. I have learned to trust these vibes I sometimes feel and go with it.

tust

Before anyone says anything, let me say this. Yes, I do understand not everyone is lucky enough to even enjoy their job, and it is part of being an adult. Well, let me tell you something ma’ friends. I have met several people who love, yes LOVE, what they do. I don’t want to be all crazy but I do want to look forward to driving to work most mornings. When I told my mother this, she labeled me as a hippy. Is she correct? I don’t care I think we should all follow our calling and do what ignites us. Find the cause and follow it. If this means going thru a phase of trial and error, go for it! That’s what life is all about. Learning and growing.

happy

Disclaimer: If you are thinking about quitting your job, please make sure to take a hard look at your finances. I am lucky to say I am barely making it, but I am happy.